Love, connection, and laughing with a person we adore is what makes it all ok. Time out from the weirdness of the world and our lives and trying to fit in and accepting that we don’t. This is a beautiful, rich bubble to dive into and treasure when we can. Nothing is more precious than love and connection.
This painting is a part of my exhibition, Love, Lies and Indoctrination, which can be viewed online here.
If you’d like to buy this piece, it’s available here.
Why is it that in many cases we cannot see the social constructs that are around us? They seem to simply be the natural way of things. And yet, once shown, they are glaringly obvious as strange and even inappropriate/unhealthy. And why is it that some indivuals seem to be born unbrainwashable, questioning everything and often driving those around them insane? Yet these are usually the people who can herald meaningful change. We need to support them, not suppress them.
60 x 40 cm stretched canvas. Digitally created in Procreate. Limited edition of 100 prints.
Near the entrance to my new bit of land, I felt it was a bit bare. I decided to make this little installation to welcome me home. The bike symbolises care for the environment, sustainable transport, and pedaling along with the wind in your face for pleasure. The box of flowers represents growth and life. And the girl holding a her rabbit in an ornage gold frame represents all that is lush, opulent, and full of love and comfort. These are all things I want to absorb each time I come home. It works. It gives me a little burst of pleasure each time I come and go.
Note to self: next time tell the mowing guy that the bike is an art installation, bolted to the fence, and so you can’t just whip it out of the way to get to the grass, sorry. (That required a bit of repair. Eek.)
I’m really excited to introduce a project I have been working on for a while… my new online art therapy course, Pour Your HeART Out! If you like my art and would like to dive into a creative journaling process, this course is for you.
If you’ve already done my course, Make the Book of your Dreams, you’ll love this course – it provides all new material to expand your journaling practice. It’s suitable for both experienced artists and complete beginners – anyone who fancies to get more creativity into their day in bite-sized sessions of just 15 minutes.
In this video I talk about the course and give you a little taste of what you will get from it.
If you know anyone creatively-minded who might enjoy this course, please share it with them!
I made these candles on our rocket stove. I’m so pleased with them. I love the soft lumpy forms, and every time I burn one I remember sitting out by the fire, feeding it with sticks, and the lovely calm feeling I had while I was dipping them into the wax.
I found on the nature strip, ages ago, a humungous fat candle – the kind that is impossible to burn down because it’s just too damned large. Obviously someone had give up. I’ve been melting it down in a frypan I got from the op shop, and using it to make my candles. When it runs out I’ll try and collect candles and bits of wax from op shops to keep up my supply.
Here’s how I make them:
I do it on a day when we’re cooking on the rocket stove, using twigs from around our garden, making use of bits of heat that would otherwise be wasted.
I melt wax in the fry pan, and then pour it into a tin. I’ve got a nice tall tin that used to have pineapple juice in it, but you can make candles from a regular tin too – they’ll just be short little things.
I take string I got from the 2 dollar shop – white cotton twine or whatever it is – and dip it repeatedly into the wax. Gradually it becomes fatter, and I stop when the candles are the right thickness for our candleholders.
Every now and then I need to put the tin on the rocket stove to re-melt the wax, and I need to melt a bit more in the frypan to top up the tin.
That’s it. It’s meditative and fun.
Here’s my candlemaking box, with all the “tools” I use – pretty simple really:
I’m Deaf. But being Deaf is not the most remarkable thing about me. People who know me will tell you that far more interesting is my creative drive, the fact that for holiday reading I’ll read a business text book and write my own precis, or that I built my own house when I was 22 and it has a huge food garden, including animals that I raise and kill myself for meat. In fact, there are lots of things more interesting about me than my Deafness.
But it can be really hard for people who meet me to get a handle on this. The Deaf thing leaps out at them. I’ve been knocked back from courses, where I would probably be the hardest working and most devoted student, because the idea of catering for a Deaf student is just too overwhelming for the teacher, and all they can see is my Deafness (along with, I suspect, a bit of the old assumption that to be Deaf is to be stupid, and therefore it’s probably not even worth teaching me anyway).
My friend Anna recently studied her grad dip to become a teacher, and while all the other students in her course were granted their teaching licenses, she was required to present herself to the board. “Since you’re Deaf,” they said, “We think we should give you a restricted licence – so that you can only teach in schools with Deaf students.”
Knowing Anna as I do, this OUTRAGED me. To think that she was seen as only having value to Deaf students, but not to hearing students. Aside from being a terrific model for diversity, Anna is funny, smart, compassionate and highly entertaining. If I was a hearing student, I would learn bucketloads from having her for a teacher. And one of the main things I’d learn is that Anna’s Deafness is not her main talent. No – it’s her incredible wit and ability to hit the nail on the head, which would make learning fun and easy. But I’d also learn that Deaf people can be more than their label.
So, I’m asking you, next time you meet a person who is Deaf, or a person who uses a wheelchair, or has some other physical condition that seems remarkable, remind yourself that it’s probably not the most remarkable thing about them. And you won’t even know what IS remarkable, until you get to know them.
Please feel free to share this post or hang a print of this painting on your wall to raise awareness about this tricky issue. Giclee prints of this artwork are available in my shop.
From the day we are born, girls and women are taught to obsess about how we look. It starts with constant comments on our hair, shoes and dress as young girls, evolves into pressure to spend hours removing body hair, applying make up, shopping for the latest fashions, and fixating on food and diets. In adulthood, we are rejected from many jobs if we don’t fit the ideals imposed upon us, and internalise a sense of failure if we don’t have the ‘right’ look. Contrast this with boys and men, who receive little attention to their looks, wear a boring uniform that barely changes with the years, and are considered attractive despite making minimal effort.
60 x 40 cm stretched canvas. Digitally created in Procreate. Limited edition of 100 prints.
When I first had the idea for my book, titled Future Girl (in Australia) and The Words in My Hands (in North America), I told my publishers I wanted to make a young adult novel that included full colour art on every page, because I believe that picture books should not just be for young children. I now know why this is a genre-breaking concept – it was way more complex than I could ever have imagined.
Usually picture books are printed on glossy thick paper, which makes the art look great, but when the pages add up (384 of them, in the case of my book), it can make the book prohibitively heavy. There’s a reason coffee-table books are called that – they sit more easily on a coffee table for viewing than in your hands while you lie back in a bath or in bed. We had to find a way to print itthat would result in it feeling like a novel, not a coffee table book.
Using thinner paper is an option, but if you go too thin this risks ink bleeding through from one side to the other. If I have an artwork with heavy black on one page, then light colours on the next, the light page could be contaminated. My publisher selected a thinner stock than they would for a picture book, and printed special colour proofs double-sided on the actual stock (the first time they’d ever done this!) to ensure there were no problems here. The publisher also insisted we print on ‘woodfree’ stock, which is what most ‘normal’ novels are printed on, instead of glossy/shiny stock like picture books are often printed on – to ensure it still felt like a novel. This sort of paper knocks back the colours, so the designer had to ramp up colour in our files to compensate, and again, there were several test colour proofs done to check this colour before the actual book printed.
Not only that, but areas of very heavily saturated ink on a page can take a while to dry – risking the ink transferring on to page opposite it. If ink saturation gets too heavy, special measures need to be taken by the printer – such as separating out and drying pages individually, or putting a special varnish over the top of each page. These sorts of measures take a ton of extra time and cost a lot of extra money. So, the book designer also needed to knock back some of my heavier blacks to avoid this, walking that fine line of judging how much to knock them back in order to receive the best printed product possible while remaining true to the look of the artwork.
I am amazed that my publishers didn’t just tell me where to go with my idea. Instead they took a punt, consulted with highly experienced printers, and eventually came up with what we all hoped would be the perfect combination of paper, ink and techniques.
I am super-fussy about colour, and choose the precise shades of each colour in my artworks very carefully. I spent hours tweaking the colours for every page. This is further complicated by the fact that what you see on the screen doesn’t represent what will come out of the printing press. That meant I had to hand the final colour tweaks over to my publishers as they use professionally calibrated screens, special lights, and make further changes depending on the type of paper used and what they see in the proofs. Woodfree stock sucks up far more ink than shiny paper so a concern was that all the bright colours in final book would end up dulled. You will understand why I was extremely nervous when I ripped open the package containing the very first copy of the book. I didn’t know how much all the paper, ink and technologies used would mess with my vision for the art.
As I flipped through it for the very first time, my jaw dropped open. I couldn’t believe it. It’s perfect. JUST PERFECT. The colours are rich and vibrant and just as I wanted them. The paper, the texture, the size and weight of the book combine to be a sensuous feast. There’s no bleed-through, none! It’s just small and light enough to hold comfortably while still being substantial and delicious.
I cried. Eight years in the making and at last I could hold it in my hands. It struck me that if I had never seen this book before, I would be so blown away that I would have to cancel my entire life for a month in order to absorb all that beautiful art. I truly did create the book I wanted to read, look at, have and hold.
I hope you’ll love it too. It’s available here if you’re in Australia, and here if you’re in North America
One advantage to having my entire life wiped out and being forced to start over in almost every single aspect, is that I can rebuild it much, much more carefully. The thing I am doing differently this time is choosing the people who will be in it according to whether or not they have empathy, and whether or not they are manipulative. This article, How to never get involved with an abuser again, changed my life. It says to look at the way a person acts, not what they say, and don’t accept any excuses for hurtful behaviour.
When I read the list of signs that a person lacks empathy, I recognise people I have known. Here are some examples:
Inability to imagine how their words and actions may affect you;
Isn’t interested in finding ways to soothe your worries;
Becomes angry or looks at you with a blank face when you cry or get emotional;
Is hurtfully blunt and casually critical, and when you become upset, tells you they are ‘just being honest’. Honesty without kindness is cruelty.
Talks at length about a topic that clearly bores you, without noticing;
Brings up sensitive topics after you’ve asked them to stop;
Expects instant forgiveness;
Invalidates your thoughts, experiences, ideas and concerns;
Neglecting or ignoring you when you are sick;
Believes they are always right;
Expects you to accomodate their needs and schedule, without regard for yours;
Doesn’t ask you how your day was or how your doctor’s appointment went;
Self-centredness – seems to have plenty of empathy for you but not for others. Watch out – you’re next;
Indifference to the suffering of others;
Doesn’t seem to care how their words or actions affect you.
I will add some red flags to watch for of my own:
Has a vision of how you are or should be, and is more interested in trying to get you to fit that vision than understand how you actually are;
Offers you something and when you take them up on it, acts like they never offered it;
Expects you to move out of their way rather than expecting to work around you;
‘Forgets’ saying or doing things that upset you when you call them on their behaviour, and tells you it didn’t happen;
Tells you that you’re over-reacting or being too sensitive when let them know you feel upset or hurt;
According to the article, you can tell if you are being manipulated by looking at your own feelings about the relationship:
You often feel guilty; your mood depends on the state of the relationship; you feel inadequate;
you never feel sure where you stand; you carefully control your words, actions and emotions around this person;
you do things that go against your values or make you feel uncomfortable;
expressing negative thoughts and emotions seem forbidden so you hide them;
the relationship feels complex and you can’t quite put your finger on what the problem is;
you try to figure things out but can’t get anywhere;
you want to please this person but keep getting it wrong;
you end up in no win situations where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t;
you feel afraid of losing the relationship;
you feel you are walking on eggshells.
I watch for the above in new people I spend time with, and if signs of manipulation or lack of empathy come up a few times, even in small ways, I choose not to continue the relationship. I am astonished to see that these traits can show up in the earliest encounters, often in seemingly positive ways. Some examples:
There was a guy who invited me on a date, telling me we’d go for a walk on the beach and that he had a puppy I was going to fall in love with. He did not ask to find out if I like walking on the beach, and he didn’t check whether I am into puppies. He assumed. Red flag: he has a vision of how I am supposed to be, not interested in finding out who I actually am.
I stayed with a woman who blindsided me with upsetting text messages during an important meeting. When I looked back I recalled a myriad of other small red flags. I decided to move out before things could escalate.
A friend showed me a series of videos on YouTube, and even after I had pointed out that I couldn’t understand them as they didn’t have subtitles, continued to insist that I would find them fantastic. She didn’t notice the bored expression on my face.
I’ve found I can tell a lot about a person by working with them in the kitchen. Say I’m washing the dishes, and the other person wants to wash their hands, what happens? Some people wait until a suitable moment for me, and then reach in quickly to wash. Others expect me to stand aside, or even stop washing the dishes altogether, because it is inconvenient for them that I am in the way. The former have empathy – they are thinking about my experience and taking care not to interrupt it. The latter are focused on their own experience and unconcerned with mine. I keep a very sharp eye on the people in the second group – usually there are other red flags which surface. By watching the small ways people interact with each other, I’ve found I can quickly pick up who has empathy and who lacks it.
Of course, some people are a mix – empathic in some ways and manipulative in others. I have noticed that if I call them on their manipulative behaviour or for crossing my boundaries, they will either respond with concern that they have upset me and a desire to understand better (and to change), or else respond defensively and maybe by pretending that the thing never happened. The people in the latter group get struck off my list. With the former, I watch carefully to see if their intention to change translates to actual change. Do they stop crossing my boundaries in the way I requested? Remember that behaviour speaks louder than words.
By pulling the brakes on these relationships before I become too invested, I have noticed a magnificent effect on my life: it is now filled with deeply empathic, caring people. I have never been so well loved as I am now.
When making new relationships, watch carefully for signs of whether the person has empathy or not, and whether they manipulate you or others. If you spot any red flags, watch carefully to see if this is a pattern of behaviour or just a one off. If it is a one-off, you could try calling the person (gently) on their behaviour and see how they respond. If their response is problematic or the pattern is strong, I encourage you to pull the brakes on the relationship if possible, and distance yourself. If that is impossible, take care to have very strong boundaries with this person and minimise day-to-day involvement.
If you recognise established relationships in your life that are clearly toxic, proceed carefully, as a person who lacks empathy or is manipulative may be quite mild while you are on their side, but become enraged and dangerous when they realise you are not. There are two key strategies to pull the breaks on toxic relationships – one is to establish boundaries and the other is to create distance. You could attempt to establish boundaries first, and go for distance if it fails. But maybe you know the person well enough to know that their behaviour is intrinsic and won’t change, in which case, distance is the only answer.
If it is a romantic relationship, imagine the worst case scenario and make preparations before you change the status quo. Hopefully it won’t come to that. But just in case, these are the kinds of ways you might prepare:
Ensure you have financial security, such as your own separate bank account with plenty of funds. If you share money with your partner, you could suggest a change of strategy such as having a joint account with enough money to live on monthly, and the remainder split into personal accounts belonging to each of you.
Place important documents such as house titles, bank statements, legal agreements etc in a folder in a safe place where they cannot suddenly ‘disappear’.
Talk to a friend or family member, preferably one who does not have a relationship with your partner, and make a plan to stay with them or call them if you need help.
Tried any of the ideas in this post? How did they go? Leave your comments below.